She’d told him she’d kill him if anything happened to her children. He was more than even he knew, but had she told him this? No, she hadn’t. She didn’t regret this Gordo, for all the rage he felt against the wolves, would never let anything happen to them. The boys-her lovely, stupid, wonderful boys-had done what they had to, done what they thought was right, and she had trusted Gordo to watch over them. It wasn’t who she wanted, and she hated herself for feeling that way. And later, Jessie and Rico and Chris and Tanner, but oh god, it wasn’t the same. She hated that she wasn’t there for her pack knowing they needed her, but then Joe and Kelly and Carter followed the monster into the dark, and she had never felt so alone in her life. It wasn’t gone, no, never that, but it was manageable, it was easier, and for once, she wanted to go the easy route.

It was easier to stay as a wolf because the grief, that all-consuming monster that never seemed to let her go, was…well. She doesn’t want to give into the shift when she’s feeling so black because the last time she did-after Thomas, his body still warm by the time she found him on that horrible night-she stayed as a wolf for months. It’s fighting and death and blood spilled upon the territory as if it demands a sacrifice time and time again. Her pack, all of them never knowing a moment of peace, never getting a chance to breathe, to just be. Too much has happened, and it never seems to end. She hasn’t thought about that moment in years. She was wolf, on four legs, her tail trembling. When she looked back up at her mother, it was with wolf eyes, sharper, the clarity enough to knock the breath from her chest.

A terrible shudder rolled through her, her back arching as her mouth dropped open, fangs sprouting from her gums. Elizabeth Morris screamed and screamed as her nerves lit up, as her muscles stretched, as the bones cracked and broke, cracked and broke, hair sprouting along her arms and legs. When she was on the cusp of her first shift, her mother-a sweet woman with fire in her eyes-held her close, wiping the sweat from her brow as she whispered, “I’ve got you, I’ve got you, you’re fine, you’re okay, I’m here.” The pack circled around them, watching, waiting, low whuffs coming from the Alpha, his eyes red, red, red.

And then she tries to fight against it, tries to force her humanity to the forefront, the wolf snarling in her bones, a beast struggling to break free. She ignores it-there’s too much work to do, the country is so vast, and Carter could be anywhere-until she can’t. It pulls at her, causing her skin to vibrate. The first full moon after Carter leaves is like knives in her skin. (Spoilers for Wolfsong, Ravensong and Heartsong.

Tj klune feralsong